2 Years On and Still The Perfect Marriage (for us)

"What real lovers are really craving for is to become really one, soul and body, with their other half. But if we fail in piety, we are in danger of being quartered instead." - Plato through Aristophanes in "The Symposium."

Monday is Janessa and I's second wedding anniversary; our marriage gets sweeter by the hour. I have often heard people say "just wait" and "you'll hit a wall" but those are the same people who say "marriage changes everything" and "she will turn into a different person after the wedding," none of which has happened - even remotely. In any case, with the disclaimer that we've only been married two years (but together much longer), I thought it appropriate to write about some of the reasons we have the perfect relationship (for us).

First, and fundamental is TRUST. This may sound like a cliche, but trust, in addition to passion, obviously, constitute the foundation of our marriage. Janessa and I have the most open, honest relationship I've ever had - not just in a romantic relationship, but in any relationship. We can say anything we feel to each other.
This does NOT mean that we tell each other everything; merely that we have no secrets from each other. What do I mean? We both love and know each other enough to know that we don't need to talk about all aspects of our lives. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Emotional honesty and love guide our connection.

There is more. Another component of trust is mutual respect for the other's autonomy. This is HUGE for us; I can't imagine a successful relationship without it. Here's what I mean - Janessa and I have plenty in common. We are both foodies, love cinema and art, relish travel and relaxation and get boundless joy from our cats. But we also have separate interests. I am passionate about coffee. I love poker, video games and basketball. I spin records and have started producing music again. Janessa has her crafts and sewing. She is passionate about design, loves to cook and bake, and is crazy for animation. So we spend a healthy amount of time apart.

In all the time we've been together, I don't remember Janessa ever demanding I call her or account for my whereabouts. Of course I call sometimes, anyway, especially when traveling apart, but the point is Janessa trusts me and I trust her. Heck, she hardly ever calls or emails me when we're not together unless it's for something functional, like planning things to do together or shopping or other such things. I'm never looking over my shoulder, never asking for permission to do anything. And I share with her reciprocal trust and respect.

Make no mistake, I care deeply about what Janessa thinks and feels. I often ask her advice about parts of my life she'd never know about (or probably care about otherwise). When I have plans with Janessa, there is an implied understanding that we will not break our plans without talking about it or disrespect each other in anyway. It's just that Janessa and I trust each other enough not to need to check in with each other every other minute. We both love having our own interests and neither of us would feel complete if we didn't retain and nurture those interests. We both believe that a function of a good relationship of any kind is to support each other and respect each other's need for individuality and expression.

Of course it's not all about serious, weighty stuff. People say "opposites attract" but I think that's not quite right, or at least "opposites attract but don't usually stay together" is more accurate. I think the best relationships are where people complement each other and fit together, Venn Diagram style.

So it's fabulous that Janessa and I share the same sense of humor and make each other laugh all the time. I don't know that a great sense of humor is really what women are looking for, but without one, I don't know how a relationship can stay strong. Janessa and I both have a taste for the silly and profane, though, naturally, my taste tends a bit more to the slapstick than hers. I always loved the gag-a-minute stuff like Airplane and the Naked Gun, her not so much. But we both love love love Arrested Development, Adam West, John Waters flicks, Steven Colbert and Maria Bamford, to name a few. We also share a love of the absurd and arty that makes us crazy for Tim and Eric, Food Party, David Lynch and Satoshi Kon and others. We have great conversations about food, art, and all the best parts of life, enriching each other and the experiences we share simultaneously. What could be better?

Janessa and I have a lot of fun together when spend time with each other. There's lots of laughter, lots of joy, crazy chemistry and a shared passion for living and experience that means we never get tired of each other and, I have a deep faith that we never will.

I shouldn't leave out that Janessa and I are, at our core, skeptical, analytical folk. When we were watching TV near the beginning of our relationship and an ad for a Romantic Comedy flick appeared, Janessa made a sour face and expressed her distaste for the genre. When I heard that I nearly proposed on the spot! Neither of us are sappy by nature or harbor hackneyed ideals like "true love" or "destiny."

Even though I don't believe in these ideals, I understand where they come from. I fit together with Janessa in such a way that it does feel magical and fated. I love Janessa unconditionally, with everything that I am. I have never felt like I do when I am with her - the best feeling I've ever had. I am stronger for being with her, centered, calm, and able to fully be myself without doubt or insecurity.

This love hasn't faded with time, it's continually gotten stronger. Our honesty, trust, passion, laughter, and most of all love, sustain us and make our marriage thrive. I can't imagine being with anyone else and being happy and hope I never have to try.

I love you, sweetie.

Happy Anniversary.